Addictions

I recently read this article about addictions:

"9 Addictions 90% of Us Struggle With" 

Written by Marc Chernoff

 

I took this article Marc Chernoff wrote and applied it to myself. I was surprised to find that even with my years of therapy and interests in psychology, a lot of these list items still weigh me down.

 

1.  "Wanting and expecting everything to be easy."

This rings true for me. I feel disappointed when things are difficult and I have to struggle to get through them. My inner cheerleader does always kick in though eventually, especially since I hit my 30's. I get knocked down, but then I make a decision to stand up again and fight. I enjoy the morale this creates for me internally. I enjoy being the hero, so I take on that role and plough ahead until I eventually heal or conquer- sometimes both.

2.  "Shackling ourselves to what we already know."

I'm really a victim of this. I love routine more then anything. As an anxious sensitive person, routine is the only thing that keeps me sane. That, coupled with my intense discipline keeps me moving forward instead of sitting in a puddle of my own tears. It's never easy for me to have change in my life. I have to really fight against myself to reach outside the box. I have to muster energy, and spend that precious energy to get up out of what's comfortable.

3.  "Comparing ourselves to everyone else, and then competing with them."

Ugh. This one is the worst. I have a friend on Face book that I am acquaintances with in real life, a woman I admire. I look at pictures of her life on Face book and have been known to cry with jealousy. Her life seems carefree, easy. I long for her many trips to other countries with her smiling, uncomplicated husband. Her effortless way of staying in perfect shape. Her athletic ability to win. Of course no ones life is easy. Of course she has problems too. I just don't know about them because she doesn't air her dirty laundry on face book. In my darker moments of imagining that she doesn't have any problems and that her life is perfect, I feel like I will never have things as easily as she appears to. When she had a baby and there were more photos of her disheveled, hair not quite right, outfit lacking in luster, I secretly smiled. I was overjoyed to see that she was struggling with the sleepless nights that childbearing brings. That there wasn't time anymore for trips to other countries when you are busy worrying about if you should do formula or not. My tears dissipated and my mean spirited joy abounded when I saw that she wasn't perfect anymore.The ridiculous childishness of it all was very present for me in these silly musings, but they were difficult to stop. What's funny is that I know I have this kind of energy with some of my long time girlfriends. That there is fault of this jealousy on both sides of the relationship, but with them I always manage to rise above that and turn those feelings into love for that friend. I appreciate and wonder at how great they are. There are moments when I wish I could do, be, or say what they were able to accomplish, but at the end of the day I feel proud of them and happy for what they are able to do in their lives. It would be nice if I could be more of that friend person, and less of the green eyed monster that I am with other people I am not as close with.

4.  "Secretly wishing for everyone’s stamp of approval."

This is me in spades. I can't stand conflict. It bothers me so very badly. I will do anything to avoid it. I will also try and assure both sides so they can reach an agreement. It unnerves me and makes me so uncomfortable. I ate lunch with a close friend the other day and I told her that in turning 40 this year, I had made the decision  to just be me, and not make apologies for who I am. she said something that was so interesting:" Everyone is so afraid to make other people mad, they want to do something because someone will get mad if they do. So what? They get mad". This spoke volumes to me. I will do anything to avoid people from getting angry, and she's exactly right, so what if they get angry? It's really hard for me to fight against myself on being uncomfortable with these feelings and to push through them. I'll add what's in the actual article here, because it's important for me to remember:

"You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough in your own eyes.
Repeat that to yourself and think about it.
When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, 99% of the time it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize any of it.
Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent.  You are alive, and therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to think things and feel things.  You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space.  You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is worthy.  And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who insists on making you feel otherwise."

5.  "Taking things personally and dramatically."

This is something I can honestly say I had a much bigger issue with when I was younger. It's an issue that I fought hard to deal with, and get over. As I have aged this had significantly reduced for me, to a point where I feel very even keeled about it. I realize now that it's not about me and that it's about the other person. When it does come up and I keep bumping on it and coming back to it, I think hard and clearly about it, breaking it down to the bare bones. I ask myself "what is it about this that really bothers you?" It helps me every time. With this it really helps to see the bigger picture. It comes into focus for me much easier these days, and I am able to get through it much faster. It's a joy to have conquered something like this list item, because it's liberating when you do.

6.  "Being more loving to others than we are to ourselves."

This is something that my Mother always taught me. That I am my own best friend that I am the smartest person I know. That its important to have self confidence and to love yourself because who else will? its also the only body we get in this lifetime, maintenance is key to staying healthy. These are rules I live by, so this one is easier for me. The times when I feel this issue the most are in my home life with my Husband and Son and house full of dogs who all need Momas attention 24/7. Being Moma is always demanding, and my own needs get put on the back burner for the needs of my family. I have learned to take a moment when I need it. I've realized that there is a level of chaos that goes with a houseful of boys and that this chaos is invigorating, and also exhausting. At times I need to mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically decompress and be away from all of them. This is where I work on boundaries and actually having some. I live boundary less in a lot of ways, but I have learned to create boundaries for myself and give myself that peace and quiet when I need it. It's not easy to do especially when I am so tired, and have no strength to argue or negotiate my way into what I need. I'm learning to just take it when I need it.

7.  "Believing we don’t have enough to give back."

At first after reading this one, I felt like I didn't really have this problem, but then I thought about times where I've felt lower then low and cried all the way home from work in my car. Those have been nine times out of ten been moments where I felt like I wasn't good enough to contribute. In the article it refers to us not giving back enough, but what if you feel like you are lacking the confidence to give back? For me this brought up issues of self doubt. Times in my life where I feel like I don't have the ability to contribute due to my lacking. It brought up self confidence. I realized that to conquer my feelings of self doubt I should be giving back, because helping others is exactly the remedy of being self involved. It helps us rise up out of ourselves and see the world . Instead of thinking I don't have enough to give or the right thing to give, I can contribute what I do have and what I do know to the conversation or the project, giving what I can will always help me feel like I am contributing to the greater cause.

8.  "Thinking and thinking, and OVER-thinking some more."

This whole blog could be titled this, if I were to be truly honest. However, this is a bad cycle. For me these are the thoughts that worm their way into your mind and  toss and turn through your brain until there are no other thoughts and you become immobilized by it. I like the advice that's given in the article: that problems are better solved with a relaxed mind. It's harder to solve a crisis when you are panicked. When I get into this place of fear an angst I feel guilty relaxing. I feel as if I don't deserve to not be thinking about the problem. Like how will I ever solve it if I take a break? But the inverse is actually true. The only way to solve circle thinking is to do something different, take a break from all the drama and chaos and get your brain on another path. When enough time and space has gone by, you can come back to the problem with a fresh start, this is when I personally get my best answers.

9.  "Dreaming of what could have been, or should have been."

I have wasted countless hours doing this.Letting go is really hard, but the rewards are so satisfying. Its so much more gratifying to move forward then it is to move backward. I always used to cloak wishing for "coulda beens" in nostalgia and Romanticism, but really it's just wishing things had gone differently. I needed to let go of a lot of things before I could really be happy. It meant letting go of what I used to feel were amazing memories. It was really weighing me down. When I killed off some of those parts of me that I felt at the time were so important to who I am, I actually started to become the person I wanted to be. It was so much easier to move through life without all that memory baggage weighing me down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is 40

This year I turn 40. It's a big one for me. I didn't do well with turning 30, even though my 30's were much better then my 20's. It's just age, I get that. It's still a milestone though, and with every milestone comes contemplation, at least for me. I've been thinking a lot about turning points in my life, and this feels like one of them.Ages that I felt a distinct change were: 
13- along with getting my period, mourned the loss of my childhood and started feeling depression.
17- my brain exploded in new ways and I felt like "myself" for the first time in my life.
24- broke up with my boyfriend of six years and lived on my own for the first time ever.
27- felt like "myself" again, grew new confidence and was having a total blast!
30- knew I was getting older for the first time, and that my body would start to change.
33- became pregnant, and had my son.
 ...and now 39. 

All those ages were moments when either my body, or my mind started changing. Times where it felt like a new brain wrinkle of life experience was forming. 

In order to prepare for this turning, I have been making some changes. I'm a doer, a problem solver. I had to learn how to heal my inherent intense level of anxiety, to do this I became a doer. It's the only true solution I have found to being a worrier. When a problem arises, I switch gears into problem solving mode: what can I do to help? It's gotten me through many obstacles in my life, as well as empowering me. The 'B' side to this is, is to "accept the things we cannot change" right? If I can't solve it, I accept it. I let it wash over me, knowing there are things I can't change. This is a general watered down version of my approach to life, but it's my foundation. So taking on this milestone of turning 40, I have problem solved the things that I could,like....aging. Here's what I have done:

HEALTH
Got healthy. Started working out daily again. changed up my routine to make it doable in a busy life. Made it fun again. I walk everywhere now, when I can. If there is a choice, I choose to walk. Started eating right. I added green smoothies, and more vegetables and fruits into my diet. Lots of them, all the time. When there is a choice I choose green! I don't eat seconds, or gluten, fast food, soda and stay as far as I can from processed food. With all of these things, I do the best I can daily, to keep to this. When I fail, I start over again. I stopped eating before bed, and just generally tried to change some long formed habits for an ever changing newly 40 year old body. This body is my temple, and it's all I got.

BEAUTY
I also changed some beauty routines up. I got serious about my skin routine. I don't mess around anymore. I don't have the time or the money to get monthly facials right now, so I make sure that I am doing all I can to keep this skin looking fresh. I never miss a face wash. Never. Even when I'm tired, drunk or in a foreign place. It happens, period. I also added lots of oils and moisturizers to the beauty routine. It's all about acne control, exfoliation and moisturizing. All three, all the time. No breaks. I changed some make-up too. I started using a primer which I love, to help keep that makeup from settling into the lines. I also use a lot more moisture rich products instead of powders. When I was younger, it was all about having this very matte, pale face, and now it's all about having a healthy glow.  I experiment with what types of make-up best suit my new aging skin. Is a heavy shadowed eye making me look younger or older? Just because it's stylish doesn't mean it will work for me. I try it and see if I look good, then go with it- if not I ditch it. I also watch make up tutorials online. What an amazing tool, for free, at our fingertips! There are so many products out there these days it's amazing. It was never this good before, never this many options. From drug stores to high end department stores, you can basically find a good product for any thing you are looking for, at the cost you can handle. 

I also drastically changed my hair. My hair was long, almost to my waist, and black with the front white blond. It was fun and I enjoyed it, but I also knew that black hair made me look older. I knew it before I dyed it, but wanted to have it black again. I changed my hair to an orangey red and cut it short. I immediately lost 10 years off my age, and knew it was the right decision. It helped a lot and on my road to 40 has made it easier to cope with aging.

CAREER
Amidst all the superficial changes, I have made some internal changes too. My career. My current show I have been working on has come to an end after two years. It was my first show to produce, and it was an intense two year experience. One where I had to let myself fail when needed, acknowledge my faults to get better, and constantly move forward, weather I wanted to or not. I'm very goal oriented and so when I knew this job would be ending, my first instinct was to jump in and find the next thing. Except this time, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to take it easier and see what happened. Seeing what would happen is not my MO. It's not really who I am, and so this alone was a life change. I also decided that I would be taking a month off. A month to be with my family, and be at home and work on my house and my life outside of work. That's also unusual for me. I took a risk with all of this, and told my boss what I wanted. He seemed to think all of this would be just fine, and that he wasn't positive there was work for me, but he was pretty sure there would be work, and he knew he wanted me around. "Pretty sure" is also not something I do. But this time, I would be doing it and would also be OK with it. Not being OK with it meant I shouldn't be wasting my time with this plan at all, so that wasn't an option. The whole fundamental thought behind all of this, was to be OK with it, and somehow I am.

ASPIRATION
Other changes that I have been working on, being my true self- weather it's acceptable or not. Of course this is something I have been working on my whole life, and I don't see it stopping anytime soon, but this year it's been my focus. I don't want to be apologetic anymore for what I am, or what I am not. I want to just accept that I have certain skill sets, certain ways of being and that this is who I am- like it, or not. This is all harder said then done of course, but it's my goal none the less. My personality has always been a dichotomy: I'm a perfectionist, bossy control freak or a too nice, too accepting hippie-which is it? depends on who it is you're talking too, or when you talked to them last. The people that know me the best are the ones that know both sides of me, which includes the third side-sensitive psychic sponge, artist. None of these things match, and none of them should. Again not apologizing. Keep up.

So that's the plan for turning 40. Work in progress. Lets see how it goes...

10 reasons to be glad I didn't blog in my twenties

1. I would have moaned a lot about my friends being assholes and really, who isn't an asshole in their 20's?

2. I would have been a lot more melancholic, and that can be really dull.

3. There would have been a TON of drunk photos that I would have to live down now. 

 

4. There would be too much about past men, who should stay in the past.

5. There would be a lot more slutty outfits that may have been documented. 

6. I would have complained about my job, instead of my career.

7. More questions then answers.

8. Some bad choices, described as potential good possibilities.

9. A lot of discussions about lack of money.

10. Enigmatic quotes that are possibly meaningless.

 

Spring time?

 Easter has come and gone, yet here we are on the precipice of Summer. Not quite summer, but not really Spring. Life for me is in transition at the moment. I am ending my first Producing job and awaiting the next gig to start, with hopefully some time in between. It's been a long time since I had quiet time to myself, but after two years it's finally back. So here's my life in pictures now, in no particular order...

Our new addition Moose, Husband is sweetly putting him to bed...

Working woman

New haircut woman

New haircut woman in car...

New haircut woman in car with child...

yes I do occasionally smile

Me andthe boy

House

The Toot being cute at The Farm

The Toot being pouty on the patio couch, it's hard to be too pouty when you are wearing black batman underwear

Looking like a teenager here

color coordinating

again color coordinating

Easter Toot

Zoo Toot and Husband

Toot being too cute

New Moose making himself right at home

Tired Moma

Husband working on House

Moose and The Beast!

Meeting of the minds

Fixed teeth!

Me and my favorite kid

Goofy husband and wife

Air Show!

Two Toots