The Ex

Well, it was bound to happen someday, in a city of only 4 million people.... last Sunday I ran into my ex-boyfriend on the street while out shopping with Toddler and Husband.

You know the one, the Ex who I was with for 6 years before I met Husband, the one who I haven't seen in about 3 years since "the incident". The Ex who went through AA, and on his stepping stone process stepped on my head by telling me he had been sleeping with my best friend for the past 5 years. That lovable Ex who after our separation ended up working in the porn industry, only to become some big wig who started a whole new type of porn, ya know; girls with blue hair having sex....

As far as run ins go, broken down into a point system- 10 being the best, I feel pretty good about it:

My outfit was decent = 4 (even though it was a Sunday and I was caught off guard, so add an extra point there = 5)

My hair was a little crazy = 2

I didn't have a spec of make up on = 1

...8 out of 10 not so bad...

However, The Family really represented: Husband for some unknown reason had thrown on a nice sweater before leaving the house and Toddler was in my favorite outfit of his.

We stood on the corner the three of us, a picturesque image if you will; Husband and I both with lattes in hand, Husband (wearing the sweater) pushing Toddler in the stroller. We were waiting for the light to change when Ex Boyfriend appeared out of nowhere, as if he had been standing there the whole time I lived in this town and I hadn't noticed before. He looked at me and smiled "Hi". what's even stranger is how casual I was about the whole thing. I looked over at him as if just running into a neighbor while out on a Sunday stroll, instead of an ex boyfriend I hadn't spoken too since he announced step 8 of the program over the phone. He said he had appreciated the person he was with me the most, and that after our break up he had become a totally despicable human being consuming endless amounts of drugs and sleeping with inappropriate women. He may not have said that exactly, but you get the gist...

After the run in Husband commended me: "you were really amazing!". Was I? I knew my voice was calm, I knew that I hadn't throat punched The Ex, I knew that it didn't really seem like that big of a deal at the moment. It actually seemed kind of normal to be honest. We chatted, he told me he wasn't working in porn anymore, wasn't living in the house he had bought, was looking for a place to live, and was now working at a dub house. It appeared quitting drugs had done some changes on him.

I was struck by a few things while talking with him:

1. How nice he was, there was no weird bragging like he used to do. He was actually a nice thoughtful person with nice things to say.

2. How genuinely happy he was to see not only me, but Husband and Toddler as well, like he had just run into old friends on the street...and

3. how very much like an old gay Queen he had become...

Now I say this with wonder, respect and curiosity. It was hard for me to get over his interesting mannerisms: The hands whipping flamboyantly through the air, the odd speech pattern, the pitch of his voice. I tried to decipher: has he always been like this and I just never noticed before? or was this something new? Best Friend # 1 generously offered upon hearing my story that maybe I was taping into his softer, nicer side. Could this be a new softer version of this man humbled by excess, coming out in a Queenish lilting vibe? Was I reading him wrong or was this the man he had always been and I had never seen it before?

Its hard to say, but my mind was boggled. To not have ever noticed these apparent glaringly obvious personalty traits before was eating away at me. I questioned Husband:

"Did he seem different to you?"

To which Husband responded helpfully:

"I don't know babe, I've always thought he was a weird guy"

The bottom line was Queen or not; it was working for him, and I suddenly liked him so much better then I had in years. If this was the real version or softer side of this man, the true person inside after the drugs and endless years of editing close up shots of Vajayjays, then I rejoiced for him! This newer 2.0 version of The Ex, was the better version as far as I was concerned and I was happy to see the transformation.

Where is your Mother?

Last weekend I took Toddler to the park. He drove his little blue car while I pushed him along. Let me explain that I was also utterly exhausted and the only reason I took Toddler to the park to begin with was that I was hoping that the fresh air and the exercise might wake me up. Seeing that there is really is no other option then to be awake while Toddler is awake. It was one of those days where sweatpants and an incredibly large sweatshirt were the only clothes I could even consider putting on. Toddler and I had a nice time. He is still getting his legs used to walking, he often resembles and a drunken Frankenstein trying to traverse the land. He also seemed stumped as to why there were wood chips on the ground and kept picking the pieces of wood off his hands each time he fell down like: "how the hell did that get there?" He picked the wood chips off his palms flummoxed each time it would happen again.

We went on the swings and down the slide, we even went face to face on the spring loaded duck and elephant chairs-mine apparently having a lot more "spring" in it due to the weight limit then his, as I bounded forward almost touching my ducks bill to the wood chipped ground as I rode the thing like a bear on a tricycle. We'd made our second circle around the playground when I noticed two kids playing with Toddlers car, which we had parked near the swings.

It was an older girl and her little brother. The girl was about 7 and the brother was probably about 5. The girl was pushing the brother in Toddlers car. It seemed harmless enough, Toddler and I were still playing and planned on doing another round on the slides. Then I noticed that sister was really pushing little brother pretty fast in the car and that I wasn't sure how long they would be staying inside the park the rate they were going in the thing. I collected Toddler and walked quickly over to them.

"Hey!" I said casually, holding Toddler on my hip, "that's our car, but you can play with it as long as you stay around here". They paused and stared at me with wide eyes, then continued to play. "Good" I thought "that went well, what a great example I am " I thought congratulating myself -"cheerful, diplomatic, generous even". Toddler and I then went over to the swings, to be close to the car, yet with a safe 'trusting' distance. As I pushed Toddler on the swing I noticed that even with his mild temperament he seemed to be very distracted that the kids were playing with his car. I figured "its probably time to go anyway' we should wrap it up".

"hey guys" I called over cheerfully. "its time for us to go now!". The kids continued to play. I walked closer, maybe they didn't hear me "OK!" I said a little louder, "its time for us to go now! We need our car!" I smiled with a cheerfulness I wasn't quite feeling. They stopped their game and looked at me, both smiling as they stood on the other side of a concrete picnic table. The boys legs crunched up into the car, the girl with her hands on the handle. I stepped closer to them, Toddler on my hip. The girl smiled at me manically and pushed Little brother to the opposite side of the table. I tried going the other way toward them and she went the opposite way smiling at me the whole time. I tried again thinking this couldn't be happening, she wasn't deliberately going the opposite way? I tried again and her smile grew as she moved away from me like some Laurel and Hardy movie. We went back and forth around this table, each time I stepped one way she would step the other way, grinning like some demented clown. "It's time for us to go, we need our car back! " I said loudly, this time hearing the desperation in my voice. This kid had me by the balls and she knew it. I couldn't chase them, not only would it be ridiculous, but I was carrying Toddler who weighs a solid 30 pounds. Upon hearing me ask for the third time if I could get the car back, the brother and sister jerks laughed and kept playing. I wanted to scream, but I realized that wasn't gonna help my cause of looking like a moron. I stopped in my tracks realizing quickly that this was a game for them and by going around this table- they were winning. The girl stopped on the other side mirroring me, tilted her head and then smiled a wide grin. I paused for a long moment considering my options, I had to out smart them if I wanted to get Toddlers car back. Suddenly it hit me: "where's your Mother?" I said loudly in my deepest voice. "Is that her over there?" I pointed to a group of women in the distance. suddenly the boys face went serious, clearly the jig was up. He looked up at the sister waiting for her next move. "No" the girl said grinning, "she's over there" and pointed to a woman standing by a cart. "OK" I said knowingly. "Maybe I'll have to go talk to her". The boy looked up at his sister alarmed. I seized my moment as they paused in fear, to attack. I quickly walked over to them and grabbed the handle of the car with my free hand. The boy immediately got out of the car not wanting to push his luck any further. I held fast onto the handle trying to balance Toddler and negotiate him into the seat. Toddler looked at the kids with an innocent smile of excitement, like here was his chance to get to play with them. I had a good grip on the car when the girl jumped back into the seat pushing past Toddler saying loudly "My turn!". I blocked her, with a death grip on the car handle with one hand and Toddler now hanging like a sack under the other arm, I held fast filled with rage and determination. I stopped myself from throat punching this kid as I said in my deepest dog training voice "IT IS NOT YOUR TURN, IT IS TIME TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!". I plopped smiling Toddler into the seat and took off in anger down the street.

Here's the thing-kids are rotten, most of em genuinely are. I have known this fact since I was a kid myself, but Toddler has instilled in me over the last year a love and kindness toward all children that I never had before. I now cry at those sappy commercials that have kids or puppies, because in each child I now see my sons sweet little face. Not these kids though- I have never wanted to clock a kid as much as I wanted to clock that girl as she smiled at me with each step she took away with my sons car.

Never again will I be the pushover at the park, who assumes all kids are as sweet as my kid. I now rightly know that they are all assholes.