Things on my mind tonight hmm lets begin....
My son is now 3 and half months old and I have gone back to work. It was my choice. I think I may have even convinced my husband that me working would enable us to live better. Secretly, I knew I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to be a grown up again. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to wear make up and drink coffee in my office uninterrupted by crying. I wanted to sit at my computer for more then 20 minutes at a time without being side tracked by my husband or my son. I’m obviously a terrible person. In the magazines I read about parenting and babies-the women talk about their kids as if they are the center of their world, the only thing worth living for. For me, well its different. At least it feels that way. I don’t feel normal. I certainly don’t feel like the image of a “real mom”. I don’t want to stay home and be a“homemaker”. I love being a mom. I adore and love my son. But here is how I really feel, here’s the real truth, the truth of it all: When I’m home with my son and he's smiling at me and I look into his ever changing eyes my heart melts into a big glump of goo and I want to eat his face off. When I’m home and he’s crying and I’m tired, I want to put him in the safe hands of someone else and walk away and be alone. When I’m not home I feel guilty. When I’m away from him I feel guilty. If I’m having fun I feel guilty. If I’m at work I feel guilty. When I’m not feeling guilty I feel desperate to see him and smell his head and be near him. I’m tired of all these emotions that make me crazy. I feel literally insane. The only common dominator is guilt. Guilt that I fantasize about going out drinking and dancing. Guilt that I wish I could go out to dinner with my husband on a Friday night. Guilt that when I’m at work all I want is to be at home with my son. All I ever want these days is exactly what I don’t have at that very moment. How can an educated intelligent woman who manages to have a career and a family be so crazy is all I can think?
