Addictions

I recently read this article about addictions:

"9 Addictions 90% of Us Struggle With" 

Written by Marc Chernoff

 

I took this article Marc Chernoff wrote and applied it to myself. I was surprised to find that even with my years of therapy and interests in psychology, a lot of these list items still weigh me down.

 

1.  "Wanting and expecting everything to be easy."

This rings true for me. I feel disappointed when things are difficult and I have to struggle to get through them. My inner cheerleader does always kick in though eventually, especially since I hit my 30's. I get knocked down, but then I make a decision to stand up again and fight. I enjoy the morale this creates for me internally. I enjoy being the hero, so I take on that role and plough ahead until I eventually heal or conquer- sometimes both.

2.  "Shackling ourselves to what we already know."

I'm really a victim of this. I love routine more then anything. As an anxious sensitive person, routine is the only thing that keeps me sane. That, coupled with my intense discipline keeps me moving forward instead of sitting in a puddle of my own tears. It's never easy for me to have change in my life. I have to really fight against myself to reach outside the box. I have to muster energy, and spend that precious energy to get up out of what's comfortable.

3.  "Comparing ourselves to everyone else, and then competing with them."

Ugh. This one is the worst. I have a friend on Face book that I am acquaintances with in real life, a woman I admire. I look at pictures of her life on Face book and have been known to cry with jealousy. Her life seems carefree, easy. I long for her many trips to other countries with her smiling, uncomplicated husband. Her effortless way of staying in perfect shape. Her athletic ability to win. Of course no ones life is easy. Of course she has problems too. I just don't know about them because she doesn't air her dirty laundry on face book. In my darker moments of imagining that she doesn't have any problems and that her life is perfect, I feel like I will never have things as easily as she appears to. When she had a baby and there were more photos of her disheveled, hair not quite right, outfit lacking in luster, I secretly smiled. I was overjoyed to see that she was struggling with the sleepless nights that childbearing brings. That there wasn't time anymore for trips to other countries when you are busy worrying about if you should do formula or not. My tears dissipated and my mean spirited joy abounded when I saw that she wasn't perfect anymore.The ridiculous childishness of it all was very present for me in these silly musings, but they were difficult to stop. What's funny is that I know I have this kind of energy with some of my long time girlfriends. That there is fault of this jealousy on both sides of the relationship, but with them I always manage to rise above that and turn those feelings into love for that friend. I appreciate and wonder at how great they are. There are moments when I wish I could do, be, or say what they were able to accomplish, but at the end of the day I feel proud of them and happy for what they are able to do in their lives. It would be nice if I could be more of that friend person, and less of the green eyed monster that I am with other people I am not as close with.

4.  "Secretly wishing for everyone’s stamp of approval."

This is me in spades. I can't stand conflict. It bothers me so very badly. I will do anything to avoid it. I will also try and assure both sides so they can reach an agreement. It unnerves me and makes me so uncomfortable. I ate lunch with a close friend the other day and I told her that in turning 40 this year, I had made the decision  to just be me, and not make apologies for who I am. she said something that was so interesting:" Everyone is so afraid to make other people mad, they want to do something because someone will get mad if they do. So what? They get mad". This spoke volumes to me. I will do anything to avoid people from getting angry, and she's exactly right, so what if they get angry? It's really hard for me to fight against myself on being uncomfortable with these feelings and to push through them. I'll add what's in the actual article here, because it's important for me to remember:

"You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough in your own eyes.
Repeat that to yourself and think about it.
When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, 99% of the time it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize any of it.
Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent.  You are alive, and therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to think things and feel things.  You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space.  You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is worthy.  And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who insists on making you feel otherwise."

5.  "Taking things personally and dramatically."

This is something I can honestly say I had a much bigger issue with when I was younger. It's an issue that I fought hard to deal with, and get over. As I have aged this had significantly reduced for me, to a point where I feel very even keeled about it. I realize now that it's not about me and that it's about the other person. When it does come up and I keep bumping on it and coming back to it, I think hard and clearly about it, breaking it down to the bare bones. I ask myself "what is it about this that really bothers you?" It helps me every time. With this it really helps to see the bigger picture. It comes into focus for me much easier these days, and I am able to get through it much faster. It's a joy to have conquered something like this list item, because it's liberating when you do.

6.  "Being more loving to others than we are to ourselves."

This is something that my Mother always taught me. That I am my own best friend that I am the smartest person I know. That its important to have self confidence and to love yourself because who else will? its also the only body we get in this lifetime, maintenance is key to staying healthy. These are rules I live by, so this one is easier for me. The times when I feel this issue the most are in my home life with my Husband and Son and house full of dogs who all need Momas attention 24/7. Being Moma is always demanding, and my own needs get put on the back burner for the needs of my family. I have learned to take a moment when I need it. I've realized that there is a level of chaos that goes with a houseful of boys and that this chaos is invigorating, and also exhausting. At times I need to mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically decompress and be away from all of them. This is where I work on boundaries and actually having some. I live boundary less in a lot of ways, but I have learned to create boundaries for myself and give myself that peace and quiet when I need it. It's not easy to do especially when I am so tired, and have no strength to argue or negotiate my way into what I need. I'm learning to just take it when I need it.

7.  "Believing we don’t have enough to give back."

At first after reading this one, I felt like I didn't really have this problem, but then I thought about times where I've felt lower then low and cried all the way home from work in my car. Those have been nine times out of ten been moments where I felt like I wasn't good enough to contribute. In the article it refers to us not giving back enough, but what if you feel like you are lacking the confidence to give back? For me this brought up issues of self doubt. Times in my life where I feel like I don't have the ability to contribute due to my lacking. It brought up self confidence. I realized that to conquer my feelings of self doubt I should be giving back, because helping others is exactly the remedy of being self involved. It helps us rise up out of ourselves and see the world . Instead of thinking I don't have enough to give or the right thing to give, I can contribute what I do have and what I do know to the conversation or the project, giving what I can will always help me feel like I am contributing to the greater cause.

8.  "Thinking and thinking, and OVER-thinking some more."

This whole blog could be titled this, if I were to be truly honest. However, this is a bad cycle. For me these are the thoughts that worm their way into your mind and  toss and turn through your brain until there are no other thoughts and you become immobilized by it. I like the advice that's given in the article: that problems are better solved with a relaxed mind. It's harder to solve a crisis when you are panicked. When I get into this place of fear an angst I feel guilty relaxing. I feel as if I don't deserve to not be thinking about the problem. Like how will I ever solve it if I take a break? But the inverse is actually true. The only way to solve circle thinking is to do something different, take a break from all the drama and chaos and get your brain on another path. When enough time and space has gone by, you can come back to the problem with a fresh start, this is when I personally get my best answers.

9.  "Dreaming of what could have been, or should have been."

I have wasted countless hours doing this.Letting go is really hard, but the rewards are so satisfying. Its so much more gratifying to move forward then it is to move backward. I always used to cloak wishing for "coulda beens" in nostalgia and Romanticism, but really it's just wishing things had gone differently. I needed to let go of a lot of things before I could really be happy. It meant letting go of what I used to feel were amazing memories. It was really weighing me down. When I killed off some of those parts of me that I felt at the time were so important to who I am, I actually started to become the person I wanted to be. It was so much easier to move through life without all that memory baggage weighing me down.