Kindness

This weekend Husband and I worked on the Parisian Cafe. We planted, put up lattice and reorganized the back patio a bit. Husband got so excited that while the sun was setting and he was polishing off his second beer he exclaimed "maybe we should have a second child!"

Wait what?!!

Baby was sitting in his little excer-saucer chewing happily, while I squatted next to the vine I just planted. "I d-duunnoo, I, uh, wait what?" I stuttered. I was sweaty, covered in mud and squinting into the sun. The thought of just getting Baby ready for bed in the next hour and half was starting to overwhelm me. Of course, the next day when it wasn't magic hour, Baby was screaming, and Husband was tired he was saying a different story..... but alas the Parisian Cafe bring out the Joy D Vie in us all.

While working on the house that same day Husband went down into the basement or the dungeon as I like to call it (picture a place where serial killers hang out and then amplify the creepy factor by 5 and you have our smelly dank dark basement). When he came back up he told me that he could hear new neighbor right up above in her bedroom, as if she were standing next to him. She was watching Sex and the City he said, he could even tell what episode it was. This intrigued me, because while we were slaving away on house and garden with Baby and doing our normal weekend madness, Neighbor was doing exactly what I used to do when I was single without child: laying in bed all afternoon watching DVDs.

In my current sate of motherhood, I feel often as if I get no down time whats so ever. My down time is getting my nails done during my lunch break at work. I realized that my life is more fast paced and non stop then it has ever been. I am amazed at the amount of things I do in a day. There has never been a time in my life where I have accomplished more in a day then I do now.

So my realization this weekend was that I need to be kind to myself. It hit me like a wave. Being kind is different then overindulging, its different then treating oneself to luxury, or being gluttonous. It just means quite genuinely, that I need to forgive myself for everything I'm not.

Its very difficult to be non judgemental post baby. There are many doubts. Doubts about being a good mother, doubts about being good at anything anymore. Not to mention body image issues and what happens to ones self esteem after gaining 30 pounds.

So I decided that I need to practice self kindness.

we'll see how it goes...

Chats at the Parisian cafe

So yesterday I took the day off work to take care of Baby since Nanny needed to deal with some immigration stuff. It was mostly nice except the part where it was 103 degrees and we only have air conditioning in one room of our house. I took this opportunity to try out having best friend #1 and best friend #2 over for dinner. It was a trial run before TV night begins at my house in the fall. TV night is when Best Friend #1, Best Friend #2 and I meet at one of our houses and drink lots of wine and talk loudly over our favorite TV shows. It used to always be at best friend #2's house, because she has a nice HD TV and a husband who will make himself scarce. Since I had Baby, I figured it would be easier to have it at my house, especially now that we moved and have Parisian cafe to hang out at before and after our TV viewing.

While sitting around the Penis fountain in the Parisian cafe Best friend #1 asked:

"Could you be a stay at home Mom?"

She asked this while at the same time looking at me and shaking her head "No" like she already knew the answer. With my feet propped up in the fountain, blue nail polish gleaming in the evening candle light, I pondered the question.

"well" I said, "probably not, because I am not much of a cleaner..."

I kept thinking of Husband coming home and remaking the bed earlier and washing the one bottle left in the sink. Have I mentioned that Husband has a cleaning issue? The problem seems to stem from the fact that I don't have a cleaning issue. I guess I don't mind if the house is messy, but Husband was apparently thinking the house would look like it does when Nanny is home with Baby. Did I mention that Nanny is also a clean freak? I'm doomed. I hate cleaning. I find it utterly exhausting. Especially while hanging out with Baby. I don't know how Nanny does it quite honestly. For this reason I'm not so sure being a stay at home Mom would work out for me, unless of course Husband got a lobotomy.

Later that evening while feeling sorry for myself and thinking about this during Best Friend #2's monologue about work, the girls upstairs pranced by. Lets not forget that the neighbor girls upstairs are all three: 20, in college, and hot.

Girls upstairs also have names like Isabelle, Shiloh and Natalia. Do what you will with this information, because I'm sure the mental images of collegic-esque bond girl bombshells come to mind, and no joke you would be pretty darn close to correct. So during best friend #2's rant about the injustice of why our boss thinks he can leave every other week to go back to Virginia to spend time with his family, even though our production is based in L.A, an assembly line of beautiful 20 somethings traipsed by the Penis fountain to head upstairs. It seemed that Isabelle was having a get together. The 20 somethings seemed to be confused as to where they were going and were under the impression that the three 30 somethings (me, best friend #1 and #2) were where the party was at. The latest to walk by was a size zero brunette who I could have sworn I'd recently seen on the cover of Lucky Magazines June issue. Best friend #1 gave me the "there's another one! Are you kidding me?!" look while best friend #2 went on business as usual with her work grievances. By the time the last of the 20 somethings walked by- a cute guy clearly gay and filling out the fabulous quota for the group, we were on our second glass of wine. So when Tyrone introduced himself saying it was nice to meet us, was Izzie around? I felt flattered that Tyrone thought us good enough to be part of the Isabelle entourage. I leaned back out of my lawn chair and slurred "Nice to meet you Tyrone!"

"The parties upstairs" Best friend #1 said through her smile. I looked at Best Friend #1 and #2 and felt proud. Here we were, three old middle aged married women being confused with Isabelle's hot friends, Hot Dog! This was turning out to be a great night after all! So what if I don't clean-at least I'm hot enough that in dim candle light around a penis fountain I may or may not resemble a 20 something party guest!

...It just goes to show, you never know what will happen at the Parisian cafe....

Boat Guy

As husband and I sat with our feet in the penis fountain enjoying a hot summer evening after work, we got to talking.

Husband: Found a boat magazine at work. Boats aren't that expensive.

Me: Huh.

Husband: $190,000, that's really cheap, I didn't realize how affordable it is!

Me: seems expensive to me.

Husband: compared to a house!

Me: I see where you're going, still seems expensive.

Husband: but ya know, for like a single guy to live on a boat, work half the year, then spend the other half cruising around the islands.... seems like fun right?

Me: not so much.

Husband: Really? seems like a great idea! Chill out on your boat, it would be small for one person, but do able. Cruise around. Doesn't it sound great?

Me: No..... Wait, you're having a man fantasy. You're having a single guy fantasy.

Husband: What? No, I just thought it was a good deal. Doesn't it sound great?

Me: No.... its definitely a single guy fantasy. I don't want to be stuck on a tiny boat. But I get it. You're "boat Guy". Weird, I never knew. I could see you being "beach guy", but I never really pictured you as "boat guy". Cause you know "beach guy" and "boat guy" are totally different.

Husband: "Beach guy" and "Boat Guy" are completely different, but I could be "Beach guy" too.

Me: Totally.

Husband: So that's not your dream?

Me: uh, no.

Husband: huh.

It got me thinking. Where was my single guy plan? Me, the person who had a fantasy for every possibility life could offer, yet I was stumped. What would I do in my new single life? Lately I was too busy formulating my Parisian cafe fantasy to be concerned with any other potential lives I might be living. Sadly Parisian cafe seemed to include Husband and Baby even if only on my terms, when they were both behaving. I was suddenly very jealous of husband, because if Baby and I dropped dead tomorrow Husband would be setting sail, hair blowing in the breeze with a complete single guy life plan in tact! While if anything ever happened, and I was suddenly single, I would be left floundering away trying to figure out what my single guy plan would be.

It was time to start thinking...

So here are some quick ideas I came up with if I were suddenly single:

1. Slutty Hollywood girl

I could prance about tits proudly forward crawling the night clubs

2. Chill Beach babe

I could live in Venice and ride my beach cruiser bike around

vintage shops and buy antiques and eat brunch all the time.

3. Executive lady

I could climb the corporate latter making my career top priority, stepping on anyone that got in my way until I reached the top making millions of dollars.

....Ugg sadly none of these really appeals to me right now. I'll have to put more thought into this....

Current Obsessions

Here are my current obsessions:

Blue finger nail polish

I recently found a nail salon close to work that I can walk to on my lunch breaks. How wonderful it is to get my nails done again every other week like I used to! I don't know why, but this makes me whole again. My transition into motherhood has been hard for this Diva who loves her freedom. Having to give up much of my beauty routine has been difficult. I don't like to give up my personal liberties, in this way I recognize that I am a princess and clearly an only child.

True Blood

I know, I know- everyone has this same obsession so who cares-but I'm still obsessing over it, so its going on the list even if it is common. Here's why I love this show: Because it reminds me of a dirty joke-its dumb and obvious and clearly dirty, but its funny and it makes you laugh and snicker to yourself that you get it and that sex is funny and wonder-inducing and gross. True Blood is the same for me: The accents are atrocious, the lighting is like watching theatre, everything about it is sweaty and nasty and I friggen love it! I also like that all the stars are slightly off in some way. None of them really have classic star appeal, which I find interesting. At first I found it kind of off putting, but now I love it. I love that I can see every zit and bead of sweat. I also love that's its set in the south. I don't know why but I friggen love the south.

Black Swan

I haven't seen this movie yet of course, but boy does this trailer look good! Anything dance/ ballet related I'm down for. Not to mention girl fights, lesbian make out scenes and lets not forget anything with dark goth make up and theatrical flair. This really appeals to my inner 15 year old punk rock Goth girl persona that I haven't really gotten rid of. I cant wait til December!

The Social Network

I recently saw the trailer for this while watching one of my hideous morning talk shows that I truly hate, but feel obligated to watch since there is nothing else on in the mornings when I feed my son. For some reason this film really appeals to me. I'm not really even a Facebook whore. I mean I have my moments and my weeks where I'll check it pretty regularly, but then I will go weeks without even looking at it or thinking about it. I do love the history of popular culture though and this movie looked really interesting in how it is laid out almost 'less then zero' style- of kids striking it rich and how they dealt with that reality. I guess it doesn't hurt that back in the day I was one of the only people I knew who was on Friendster and thought it was absolutely genius. Maybe cause I feel like I was there? Who knows but it looks good.

Somethings gotta Give soundtrack

I first heard this CD when I was at my friends house drinking wine and I fell in love all over again.I of course loved the movie and we all know my current obsession with my Parisian Cafe which I won't go into again, but this goes hand and hand with this whimsical little gem. This CD is perfect for us Moms who consider ourselves Paris lovers. 'Somethings gotta give' has always made my heart swell with its beach house set, woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, two men in love with the same gal glory- This movie appeals to my inner egocentric. Anything Diane Keaton is of course golden to me, but add in Jack Nickelson, fabulous sets and costumes and classic French hits and I am sold, its a perfect storm people lets be honest.

Parisian Cafe

My current obsession is turning my new back patio into a Parisian Cafe. We have a fountain that looks like a sputtering penis, lots of bushes and only a mild amount of foot traffic that goes by while we eat dinner at night. Its awesome and I only see the potential for long, late meals over wine, cigarettes and lots and lots of cheese. Husband recently fixed the penis fountain so now the spurting water slants slightly to the left. The geyser of water is more jubilant then before, it has a lot more gusto now that we are its new care takers. we are currently in the middle of planting more viney wonderfulness also, but must wait until the weekend before we have time to really transcend it all into the Frenchy magic that it will truly become. The light foot traffic is not so bad either. Any other woman might mind the young college girls who live upstairs that walk by to get to their unit wearing short shorts parading by my husband each day with their toothy smiles cooing over our baby boy as he clings to Husbands shoulder smiling coyly at them while husband waters the plants, but not me! Alas I am without a care. After gaining 30 pounds that I don't seem to be shedding post baby, I am now truly a force to be reckoned with in my Parisian paradise and like the French I don't give a fuck. With the Parisian cafe on its way to Glory I have dutifully been listening to my 'Somethings gotta give' soundtrack like an aging succor mom each day and downing red wine like there's no tomorrow. Parie' here I come!!

Teeth

This weekend was rough. Rough because 9 month old's molar is coming in. Its arriving with a vengence. 9 month old is a tough guy but even this broke him. It would start at 11pm the crying. "Ok I thought he's hungry, sure whatever". Bottle did not help. Singing and rocking did not help. Water did not help. Diaper change did not help. Finally from exhaustion he went to sleep only to awake again two hours later. This round we both cried. He sat in the middle of his bedroom floor and I sat in the rocking chair and we both cried. "Stop crying" I told him and he just stared at me, his face red and blotchy. "Please, stop crying" I pleaded. He saterd at me and then we cried some more. Finally at 3am I realized it was his teeth. It was the molar that the pediatrician and poined out last week. I got generic baby Tylenal and put gel on his teeth. Once I did this he smiled and reach up and touched my face. "Thank you woman for finally understanding". Since then it has been rough, but at least I now how to help him.