On Sunday I went to my beach Triathlon training... and again had the fear of God until the swim was completed. I was actually doing really well right up until bedtime the night before, when I asked Husband for the surf report and he said 3 to 5 foot waves - ugg. I'm more of a 1 to 2 foot girl. I didn't sleep so great that night and almost didn't go again. I did my "one step at a time" process and got myself to that beach. I did notice this time, that once my shower was done some of the sheer panic had subsided and I started felling like maybe, I would be ok. I still had my usual diarrhea right before, but asking around this seems to be normal. Husband says he gets that every time he does a race or a beach swim- its just how it works. When I asked my Ironwoman friend if the fear ever goes away, she looked at me, smiled sweetly and said "no".
The swim went ok. I had my terror moments. The first one being where I was already in the water on the way out to the waves, and seeing that the waves were getting a little big I stopped and actually said out loud "hmm, I don't think I'll go today". My friend Mike just looked at me and was like "if you keep standing there you are going to get pummeled, you need to keep going". After my long deliberation (and getting pummeled by strong white water) the waves calmed and I went for it. I'll say there is nothing more daunting then going out into the ocean with other swimmers in front of you and watching how small they look in front of an upcoming wave. It is terrifying. My fear seemed to help me with my timing though, I waited for a flat set and then headed out, dodging large waves. My swim wasn't awesome. I felt slow and overly cautious, looking around a lot, and not putting my head in the cold water. It was the longest swim ever. Sometimes I do that swim and I have the eerie feeling like we are all swimming for our lives! Like survival of the fittest, not like triathletes just doing a training swim in the ocean. Its all my stupid fear rearing its ugly head. My biggest challenge is keeping it at bay...literally.
When our intermediate group had finished our swim it was time to pair up with the beginners and do a much shorter swim, while practicing going in and out of the ocean. My feeling was: I don't need to do that again, I have done it once, now I'm done-goodbye. Thinking about it some more, I realized that maybe it probably was good idea for me to practice a little more, getting in and out of the waves. I actually love body surfing and boogie boarding, so it always annoys me that I get so scared swimming out. During our SECOND swim of the day I looked over to see a beginner woman with our coach and one of our advanced team swimmers all trying to get out past the waves. This woman looked absolutely TERRIFIED. I'll be honest seeing that kind of fear on an adults face was shocking. she was shaking her head, her face pale and contorted saying over and over: "i cant do it, I cant do it".Our coach was saying "yes you can, just move forward". Meanwhile the waves were getting larger ahead of us, and what we were heading into didn't look good. I went under a wave too late and felt tumbled and shoved backwards, I could feel the intense force of the wave and how strong and violent it was. I popped up for air and thought "whoa, I'm not doing this either!". I looked over at the woman, she was frozen with fear, refusing to move. Our coach was trying to talk to her, her face close to hers explaining that she could do it. After that crazy wave that tumbled me, I knew I had to go even if I didn't want to because now I was also afraid again, even though I had already done the swim once that day. I had to go, otherwise I would never be back in that water again. I stood there and stared at the water, watching the terrified woman near me struggle. Suddenly it got incredibly calm and I heard the lifeguard yell out to us "ITS CALM GO NOW BEFORE ANOTHER SET COMES!". I also heard our coach scream at another team mate next to me "MOVE IT, GO GO GO!" I dove forward and hauled ass out past the waves, there was no more time to wait. Tired, I drifted up to the next lifeguard waiting for us at the point to go in. He called to me "ok swim forward a few strokes and then look back and if its calm then keep going forward so you know where the waves are". OK I could do that. I let my body drift forward with the waves. I swam when I could, and before long I could touch the ground and was back on shore! I later saw that the terrified woman had made it out past the waves and safely back in. I knew she would be ok, but seeing that fear on her face just reminded me that what I am doing each weekend is a humbling experience, and not to taken lightly. I felt a little better knowing that I'm probably not the only one who has diarrhea before each beach training day.
I went on to complete the bike and run training for that day, and even though it wasn't my best training day- I was proud of myself for just getting out there.
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