cape fear

 

 

I realized something last Saturday night after Husband casually mentioned that he wasn't going to our Triathlon training at the beach the next day: I was completely relying on him to be able to go myself. I didn't feel capable of doing my first ocean swim of the season if he wasn't there. Even though he hasn't been training with me or been to practices with me, in my mind the reason I was strong enough to do this swim was because of Husband.


I had a personal mini meltdown on my bathroom floor after this. I closed the bathroom door and just let myself cry. I came up with a million and one excuses why I didn't have to go the next day to do the ocean swim. None of which seemed like the truth. My conversation with myself went something like this:


Me: I'm not going tomorrow, I can't go, I just can't do it. 
Myself: You're afraid. 
Me: I just can't.
Myself: Well, if you don't go tomorrow then you'll just have to do the first ocean swim next weekend after that...
Me: But it will be just as awful! I can't do it next weekend either! This is horrible.
Myself: I suppose the real question is, if you can't go this weekend or next weekend, when will you go?
Me: I don't know! My life is too busy, too complicated, I can't do all this! I can't have a family and do this stupid triathlon!
Myself: If you can't go to the training, then why are you doing this triathlon?
Me: wait,... what?
Myself: you heard me. if you can't even go to a practice then why are you doing this at all?
Me: After all the practicing and training and I won't even be doing the Triathlon...
Myself: pretty much.
Me: Oh.
Myself: So, do you want to do the triathlon anymore?
Me: What do you mean? I love doing this! I feel like the real me when I do this.
Myself: Then I guess you're going tomorrow.
Me: I guess I am, but how?
Myself: One moment at a time. Do not think beyond that moment.
Me: literally? Like now I shower, now I dry off, now I get into the car...like that?
Myself: Exactly.
Me: How can I do this alone without Husband?
Myself: Are you kidding? Just do it, stop thinking.


...and so I did. I got up and I went through my day, one tiny step at a time. I almost turned the car around four different times, no joke. I even got to the beach, got out of my car saw my group and thought to myself: "I'm gonna go look at the water and then I'm going home". As I turned back from the ocean towards my car I saw my friend who I was supposed to swim with. I knew then I couldn't leave. Mostly cause I would look like a crazy weirdo. I told myself "just put your wetsuit on then you can go home." and after that it was "just walk down the beach with everyone and then you can go". Then finally it was " just get out past the waves..." 


I ended up doing the entire triathlon that day with a full swim, bike and run, and I felt good. The best feeling was driving home knowing that I did it, that I conquered the beast of fear. I knew that the longer I waited the uglier it was going to get. Fighting it was so hard, I wanted to give up so many times that I stopped counting, but I did it. Husband was really proud of me "of course you did it. I never doubted you could".

Until next weekend....