Tuesdays

So Tuesday is a long day for me. After work I race over to the track where I practice with my Triathlon team. The drive alone makes me sweat since I am fighting LA traffic to rush there in time, to race out of my car, to run around a track for an hour...wait what? It sounds stupid even to me. After we run the track for an hour we go to the pool a couple blocks down and swim for an hour doing drills. I would hate all of this if it hadn't improved my abilities so much. I have gone from a 10/11 minute mile run, to an 8/9 minute mile run!


Each Tuesday I wake up and groan that I don't want to go. The whole day I think about it. Coincidentally it usually falls on a day when going feels absolutely impossible with whatever else is going on in my life at the time. Like I'm fighting with Husband, or I should really see Toddler that night after work cause he is struggling at preschool, or I just got my period... The list goes on and on. Not to mention the days where I am just plain tired. Trying to race from work to exercise for two hours, to then get home at 9:30pm and eat dinner at 10pm just doesn't always sound appealing. I do it cause I know that it has really helped improve my training. The way I figure it, if I'm gonna do this I might as well do my best right?


My Tuesday night race in pictures...

I start with my race to Burbank through Hollywood, pedal to the medal!

Trapped in my car for 45 minutes

 One car almost side swiped me tying to get in my lane, then pulled up  next to me and we both shouted obscenities and gave each other the finger

Finally at the track, its pretty nice that track I have to admit...

I never had a track at my high school, so this one seems really grand to me

see what I mean?

Finally done running, phew I felt pretty good despite it all

back in the car to go to the pool, exhausted but need to rally for the swim

Olympic size and nice and warm, probably filled with pee from the kids before us but hey I'm not complaining!

This pool is oddly only 2.5 feet deep throughout, sometimes I feel like my belly just scrapes along the bottom the whole time I swim

our coach makes us use these between our feet so we focus on our arms, I just like them cause they are striped 

its nice to air out the old dogs after that run, starting to feel rejuvenated again, like maybe I can actually do this swim...

I wear this to remind myself and others that I have done this before so don't fuck with me, nah its just cause its the only one I have (but its kinda true)

me looking a lot like an adult size Piglet, but hey its hard to look sexy in goggles!

maybe there are people more afraid then me

On Sunday I went to my beach Triathlon training... and again had the fear of God until the swim was completed. I was actually doing really well right up until bedtime the night before, when I asked Husband for the surf report and he said 3 to 5 foot waves -  ugg. I'm more of a 1 to 2 foot girl. I didn't sleep so great that night and almost didn't go again. I did my "one step at a time" process and got myself to that beach. I did notice this time, that once my shower was done some of the sheer panic had subsided and I started felling like maybe, I would be ok. I still had my usual diarrhea right before, but asking around this seems to be normal. Husband says he gets that every time he does a race or a beach swim- its just how it works. When I asked my Ironwoman friend if the fear ever goes away, she looked at me, smiled sweetly and said "no".


The swim went ok. I had my terror moments. The first one being where I was already in the water on the way out to the waves, and seeing that the waves were getting a little big I stopped and actually said out loud "hmm, I don't think I'll go today". My friend Mike just looked at me and was like "if you keep standing there you are going to get pummeled, you need to keep going". After my long deliberation (and getting pummeled by strong white water) the waves calmed and I went for it. I'll say there is nothing more daunting then going out into the ocean with other swimmers in front of you and watching how small they look in front of an upcoming wave. It is terrifying. My fear seemed to help me with my timing though, I waited for a flat set and then headed out, dodging large waves. My swim wasn't awesome. I felt slow and overly cautious, looking around a lot, and not putting my head in the cold water. It was the longest swim ever. Sometimes I do that swim and I have the eerie feeling like we are all swimming for our lives! Like survival of the fittest, not like triathletes just doing a training swim in the ocean. Its all my stupid fear rearing its ugly head. My biggest challenge is keeping it at bay...literally.


When our intermediate group had finished our swim it was time to pair up with the beginners and do a much shorter swim, while practicing going in and out of the ocean. My feeling was: I don't need to do that again, I have done it once, now I'm done-goodbye. Thinking about it some more, I realized that maybe it probably was good idea for me to practice a little more, getting in and out of the waves. I actually love body surfing and boogie boarding, so it always annoys me that I get so scared swimming out. During our SECOND swim of the day I looked over to see a beginner woman with our coach and one of our advanced team swimmers all trying to get out past the waves. This woman looked absolutely TERRIFIED. I'll be honest seeing that kind of fear on an adults face was shocking. she was shaking her head, her face pale and contorted saying over and over: "i cant do it, I cant do it".Our coach was saying "yes you can, just move forward". Meanwhile the waves were getting larger ahead of us, and what we were heading into didn't look good. I went under a wave too late and felt tumbled and shoved backwards, I could feel the intense force of the wave and how strong and violent it was. I popped up for air and thought "whoa, I'm not doing this either!". I looked over at the woman, she was frozen with fear, refusing to move. Our coach was trying to talk to her, her face close to hers explaining that she could do it. After that crazy wave that tumbled me, I knew I had to go even if I didn't want to because now I was also afraid again, even though I had already done the swim once that day. I had to go, otherwise I would never be back in that water again. I stood there and stared at the water, watching the terrified woman near me struggle. Suddenly it got incredibly calm and I heard the lifeguard yell out to us "ITS CALM GO NOW BEFORE ANOTHER SET COMES!". I also heard our coach scream at another team mate next to me "MOVE IT, GO GO GO!" I dove forward and hauled ass out past the waves, there was no more time to wait. Tired, I drifted up to the next lifeguard waiting for us at the point to go in. He called to me "ok swim forward a few strokes and then look back and if its calm then keep going forward so you know where the waves are". OK I could do that. I let my body drift forward with the waves. I swam when I could, and before long I could touch the ground and was back on shore! I later saw that the terrified woman had made it out past the waves and safely back in. I knew she would be ok, but seeing that fear on her face just reminded me that what I am doing each weekend is a humbling experience, and not to taken lightly. I felt a little better knowing that I'm probably not the only one who has diarrhea before each beach training day.

I went on to complete the bike and run training for that day, and even though it wasn't my best training day- I was proud of myself for just getting out there.

cape fear

 

 

I realized something last Saturday night after Husband casually mentioned that he wasn't going to our Triathlon training at the beach the next day: I was completely relying on him to be able to go myself. I didn't feel capable of doing my first ocean swim of the season if he wasn't there. Even though he hasn't been training with me or been to practices with me, in my mind the reason I was strong enough to do this swim was because of Husband.


I had a personal mini meltdown on my bathroom floor after this. I closed the bathroom door and just let myself cry. I came up with a million and one excuses why I didn't have to go the next day to do the ocean swim. None of which seemed like the truth. My conversation with myself went something like this:


Me: I'm not going tomorrow, I can't go, I just can't do it. 
Myself: You're afraid. 
Me: I just can't.
Myself: Well, if you don't go tomorrow then you'll just have to do the first ocean swim next weekend after that...
Me: But it will be just as awful! I can't do it next weekend either! This is horrible.
Myself: I suppose the real question is, if you can't go this weekend or next weekend, when will you go?
Me: I don't know! My life is too busy, too complicated, I can't do all this! I can't have a family and do this stupid triathlon!
Myself: If you can't go to the training, then why are you doing this triathlon?
Me: wait,... what?
Myself: you heard me. if you can't even go to a practice then why are you doing this at all?
Me: After all the practicing and training and I won't even be doing the Triathlon...
Myself: pretty much.
Me: Oh.
Myself: So, do you want to do the triathlon anymore?
Me: What do you mean? I love doing this! I feel like the real me when I do this.
Myself: Then I guess you're going tomorrow.
Me: I guess I am, but how?
Myself: One moment at a time. Do not think beyond that moment.
Me: literally? Like now I shower, now I dry off, now I get into the car...like that?
Myself: Exactly.
Me: How can I do this alone without Husband?
Myself: Are you kidding? Just do it, stop thinking.


...and so I did. I got up and I went through my day, one tiny step at a time. I almost turned the car around four different times, no joke. I even got to the beach, got out of my car saw my group and thought to myself: "I'm gonna go look at the water and then I'm going home". As I turned back from the ocean towards my car I saw my friend who I was supposed to swim with. I knew then I couldn't leave. Mostly cause I would look like a crazy weirdo. I told myself "just put your wetsuit on then you can go home." and after that it was "just walk down the beach with everyone and then you can go". Then finally it was " just get out past the waves..." 


I ended up doing the entire triathlon that day with a full swim, bike and run, and I felt good. The best feeling was driving home knowing that I did it, that I conquered the beast of fear. I knew that the longer I waited the uglier it was going to get. Fighting it was so hard, I wanted to give up so many times that I stopped counting, but I did it. Husband was really proud of me "of course you did it. I never doubted you could".

Until next weekend....

4th of July in pictures

Moma got a little excited that we had the day off work and drank a little too much wine the night before, started the day with a smidge of a hangover...

 meanwhile The Toot is in his room wearing his Elton John glasses and chatting with Elmo.

Husband made us a nice breakfast

playdough time, I made Tootie a sculpture of Dada

I think Dada liked it too

patriotic moments at Vons

Party time, my house fills with children

There were kids everywhere, in every room I would find a child. At one point I even found a kid in a closet.

...and toys strewn all over the house.

we had two pregnant ladies, one set of twins, lots of little ones running around and a plethora of animation folk - my favorite combination.

babies lounging pool side

The Parisian cafe was full to the max!

Best friend #1 reading to the kids. I forgot that kids flock to a person with a book. I love that.

Pregnant best friend #2 enjoying a nice Robot hug

A ride in the wagon to go see fireworks and The Toot realizing he likes older women...

Ahhhh fireworks!!

 The boys enjoying the show

 Moma also enjoying the show

 The Tooties badass ride home

 I think everyone else was jealous. I know I was.

 All tuckered out, its hard work playing and watching fireworks all day.

My weekend in pictures

Friday and ready for the weekend

The Toot at preschool friends b-day party enjoying a Toot sized cupcake and covered in bug bites. Those other parents must have thought he had the plague. They pretended not to notice which was nice of them.

The Toot in the ball pit at the party. He looks a little dazed here, but I think he had fun.

who can resist a tiny stove? Not me.

A tiny kitchen to go with the tiny stove. The Toot was also clearly taken with the tiny stove but alas those bossy girls wouldn't let him near it in his tiny car...

I like things with numbers

The Toot at toys R us. I like to give him a few minutes of fantasy time in the car section before we leave.

Me terrified sunday morning before leaving for my first ocean swim of the season.

My bike in the truck ready to go...

 My bike in my car once I realized the truck wasn't working

 Got home to Husband working on the yard.

 He built a new fence!

 Toot decided to water the roof with the new hose

 Hose now back in the pool where it belongs

 Momas new lounge chair cushions!

 Momas happy