to my 20 something year old self...

Inspired by a fantastic article about 'advice' that a friend sent me: I thought I would write my own version of: 

What I would tell my 20 something self if I could talk to her now.

When your best friend tells you that she wouldn't sleep with your ex-boyfriend, like everyone around you has been claiming she is doing, don't believe her. Know that unlike Clarice in 'Silence of the Lambs' Hannibal Lecter will come for you when he escapes, you are not immune to the monsters in life because you are their closest friends.

Just because your job is boring and isn't going anywhere, doesn't mean your next job will be the same. And yes, your job can be your career, not just your job.

Being a creative person doesn't limit you to a life of a crazy person, you can function in a normal world also.

The people you have the most fun with and feel the most free around are the people you will end up keeping in your life the longest. Stop holding on to the people that make you feel bad/weird/tired every time you see them. It's OK to not stay close with your childhood friends. Its also OK to not be friends with ex-boyfriends. In reality its actually a hell of a lot better if you're not.

That great fun relationship with that super crazy guy is never going to end well. Magnify all the fun you had with him because of how crazy he is, times a hundred- and that will be how un-fun it is when you end it with him.

Even though you are not particularly athletic right now, doesn't mean you will never be athletic. There is a lot left to learn in life after your 20's, and that includes how your body works.

When you feel a spark with a person, they feel it for you too, but just because you have chemistry with someone doesn't mean they want to be with you.

Great love begins with great friendship.

If you are ever sitting in a car with an ex-boyfriend and he gets out of the car in a huff because you are arguing, and you feel the intense urge to run him over with your car and wonder if you are maybe a bad person, don't feel bad about this- turns out he gets worse and your urge is pretty normal.

Being a good friend doesn't mean you have to pay someone back right away. A good friend lets you take your time when they know you are having trouble. The best friends you have will always give you what you need and never make you feel like an asshole about it.

When your Husband tells you that the woman you spent time talking to at the party is cool, don't disagree with him and tell him she is 'a snotty bitch' because later when she becomes one of your best friends he will remind you of this almost every time he sees her.

Try to stop yourself from thinking that Husband is not your type when you meet him, because he is too cute and too nice. Know that in a couple months from that day you will be standing next to his fire place and out of nowhere, he will look up at you and say: "you are a magnificent woman". Meeting the love of your life may not come in the form you think it will, enjoy all the surprises that come with being with the person you are meant to be with.

Later when you and Husband break up for 10 days and you feel like your heart is being sunken into the depths of the earth it's so heavy, know that two years from that date you will be planning your wedding, and two years from that date you will be finding out that you will be having a son that fall.

Cherish every moment of smoking cigarettes and drinking til 4am, cause it doesn't last and you will miss it at least once every week.

Don't be so arrogant about being in your 20's and how great it is.Being in your 30's is way better.

Stop obsessing about your negative bank account, you will have enough money to survive and money will always be an issue one way or another, so don't waste your time.

Remember how sometimes you feel really sorry for yourself over something really stupid and you stay up late crying really hard? Next time, stop and appreciate the fact that you have a lot of people who love and care about you, some people really do have no one.

Having dreams and fantasies about how you want your life to be is not just an idle past time, its a road map of where you will end up. Dream away.

reasons why I may or may not be crazy...

...in two unrelated stories.

1. On a random Thursday night, I decided to have 1 glass of wine. I laid in the dark on my couch in the living room and watched the last half of Brokeback Mountain playing on TV. I have seen this movie 100 times, I own this movie on DVD. Yet I watched it again midway through and proceeded to cry so hard that snot was running down my face and that weird sound that happens when you are sobbing kept squeaking out of me. In the middle of this, my neighbors dog escaped and came into my house because our back door was open, because it was 180 degrees outside and we were trying to cool the place down. The dog stood in the dark in the living room and stared at me. I went silent as I heard my neighbors tentative voice call "Mason?" into our house from the back door, knowing the dog was in my house but not wanting to be rude by coming inside himself to collect his dog. A normal person may have turned the TV off and went to collect the dog and give it back to the neighbor, or even called to the neighbor to say "he's in here, I'll bring him to you". Not me. I went silent and prayed that our new neighbor would not cross our threshold and see me sobbing like a wild woman in the living room. "Mason?" I heard the voice call again. Mason wasn't gonna stick around for more Brokeback crying  and would eventually find his way outside I figured, so I choked back my sobs until I heard the neighbor give up and go away. I then immediately returned to sobbing. Mason and I sat together for a while until he got up and ran down the hall and out the door to freedom. I came to the realization the next day that maybe it wasn't normal to: A) lay on the couch in the dark and cry about a movie I have seen a million times and B) completely disregard the fact that the neighbors dog was in my house watching me do this-but what do I know?


2. Recently I was laying again in the living room on the couch watching a movie with Husband when I felt my heart go thump....long pause...thump thump. The pause was too long for one to feel comfortable. I immediately knew that I was obviously dying. I also noticed that I had been feeling sorta congested lately in my chest, like a cold was coming on. The night after that it happened again while I was laying in bed. Husband had just turned the light out when I sat up and declared: 
"There's something wrong with me!" 
To which Husband responded: "OK". 
"No I'm serious! Its like my heart or something! I am NOT WELL!"
Husband then rolled over to face away from me and said in a bored monotone: 
"Do I need to take you to the emergency room?" 
"I don't think so" I barked panicked. 
"OK then, go to sleep and you'll be fine". 
"I'm not kidding around here, something is wrong!".
 "Then go to the doctor tomorrow, and go to sleep".
How could Husband sleep at a time like this?! Cold, horrible man. Luckily, I survived the night. I then panicked the whole next day and did the one thing one must never do- I looked it up on Web MD. It actually interrupted my symptom questionnaire that I was answering to give me an alert message that if I was having the symptoms I was claiming to have that I should immediately go to an emergency room right away. Discomfort in chest area? check. Happening at night (how did it know?) check! GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT NOW! The alert message said with a red triangle indicating obvious horror. After consulting both best friend #1, #2 and Friend/Boss on this situation, my result was: I'm probably not dying, but I should go to the doctor reasonably soon to quell any anxiety driven panic I may be experiencing and or physical symptoms that may be happening and of course rule out anything serious. I made an appointment for the next morning and spent the rest of the day worrying that I was clearly having a "silent heart attack" as indicated on Web MD. 


So I went to the Doctor the next morning even though that day I had continued with my normal Tuesday night Tri training and felt fine. I felt silly going to the Doctor since my fear had calmed, my cold like symptoms were feeling better, and I hadn't had the weird heart thudding experience again. Basically I was just gonna go ask the Doctor to tell me I'm crazy. I went anyway, at least ruling out anything serious would put my mind at ease and wasn't that worth something? Yes! It was the right thing to do, I was sure of it, even though on the way there I got lost and almost cancelled my appointment.


Here is what I learned: What I had experienced when my heart did its weird slow Mo thud was something called Flip Flopping. Its when your heart pauses while pumping blood from the large chamber to the smaller chamber taking a moment to pause before it pumps back again- similar to the second hand on a clock when it pauses a bit before hitting the next minute. Apparently it happens to everyone, just not everyone notices. Those that do notice often end up at the Doctors office -like me in a panic. Caffeine, large amounts of vitamin D, lack of sleep, chest colds, among other things (all of which I do/have/drink/don't get enough of) can seemly aggravate this and make it more pronounced then normal. Huh.

So what I realized about myself: is that I'm clearly crazy, but I'm very perceptive and accurate too! I can live with that.

When I wore this outfit I was asked if I would be having dinner later at the Haunted Mansion

A week of training

Best Friend #1 told me that I am doing a lot and that's why I am so scatter brained. I thought about it, and I think she might be right. Here is my average week, not including working full time and taking care of the Tootie:

MONDAY
Spinning Class-45 minutes of sorta intense cardio.
TUESDAY
Running-I do running drills at a track with our Triathlon team after work for 1 hour. It kills me each week!
Swim-After we run, we do swim drills at the pool for 1 hour.
WEDNESDAY
Spinning Class-Different teacher then Monday,(who's crazy)1 hour of INTENSE Cardio.
THURSDAY
Yoga-Although this is a pretty advanced Yoga class, this is my easy day, and I am always relieved when Thursday comes.
FRIDAY
Swimming-I swim for an hour in the morning before work. I try and do at least 50 laps.
Running-Friday night after I put The Toot down for bed, I run 4 miles. It sounds awful to most, but to me running in the nice cool darkness with just me and my music is pretty great, even though I hate running.
SATURDAY
Day of rest-or Toot chasing as I like to call it.
SUNDAY
Beach day-1/2 mile ocean swim, 18 mile bike ride, 3 mile run. This is my biggest day and afterward I am wiped. I do this two weekends in a row then one weekend off, just cause I realized it was starting to wear on me.

When I write it all out, it dawns on me that it might be a lot...


Maybe that's why I look like this


Instead of looking like this

I can't wait for my spa weekend with the girls in a couple weeks!

My weekend in pictures AKA: My 2.5 year old exhausts me!

Started the weekend right by gettin' the old roots done on Friday. Now instead of all gray, I am blond again! If I could just go white already my problems would be solved.

On Saturday morning after I decided to drink wine on Friday night the Toot woke up at 6:30am. That mother F-ing window in his room needs blinds once and for all!

He was his usual sprightly self, its kinda like living with an Elf....

we played many games, read many books and acted out lots of scenes where he put me to bed with me laying on the rug, my head resting on Cookie Monsters butt while he shouted: "MAMA! CLOSE YOUR EYES!"

At least he reads to me when he puts me to bed, notice the title 'Ferocious Wild Beasts'...how did he know?

Being as tired as I was, "pretending to sleep" was not a stretch. I kinda look like a refugee here trying to blink my way to freedom with Morse Code.

Finally he settled down for a nice breakfast, of two bites of toast before he ran off again.

Later (later meaning hours later, since The Toot got up so early on my day to get up with him!) when Husband woke up we did errands. The Toot was very excited to discover that Home Depot had a fork lift unattended.

The word 'joy' doesn't do justice to how the Toot felt about this. Did I mention we love trucks at our house?

We rounded out the day in the Ghetto Grotto, where Mama could rest her weary bones a little...

...yeah, that didn't last long.

sometimes the Ghetto Grotto can look quite glorious...

This picture of the Toot creeps me out, like he's plotting my death or something. 

...nah, he's just thinking about cars.

This picture is here because I look skinny

lovely Pasadena...

me taking pictures out of my car like a crazy woman as I drive to pick up food

Sunday morning, still exhausted. I look really concerned here, possibly wondering what truck we will play with next.

It's all trucks all the time at our house...so I hope you are into trucks if you come over.

Sometimes its also campers and trailers and tractors if that perks your interest.

This is the hard and scratchy plastic tiger I got at Target for $1. I realized when I got it home that I could probably chip ice with it if needed, and thus it now has 2 functions!

Our flying dragon I got at a garage sale, that I hit my head on at least once a week.

Husband looking very furry and grumpy. This is why we lovingly refer to him as The Gnome

Me and The Toot sharing the love, turns out we are great friends

can you tell I am tired? Jesus take this picture down!

Look closely and you will see why shopping with a Toddler is not always fun

Yet always an adventure! that's what people say when things are difficult.

We ended our weekend with a trip to the Doctor after the Toot got the stomach flu Sunday night. My life is really glamorous...

...but that Toot sure is cute with his new haircut!