Thus begins the travel...

The Holidays are upon on, they are not only upon us, but right behind us shoving us along....

We leave on the train to go up to Oregon to stay with my parents on Tuesday. There are a lot of walls to climb when traveling with a little one, not to mention we have never done it before. where will we stay? Although beautiful, parents house is the size of a shoe box so they are renting a trailer-this was an adventure in and of itself. My father has already measured the wheel well and built a ramp for the trailer. What this ramp will do or where it will go is any ones guess. The train trip itself will take 24 hours. We have our own room with a bathroom. From the location that the train lands we will be picked up by my mothers friend who is a local to the area. This is due to the fact that the journey from the train station to my parents house is treacherous and my father refuses to do the journey any more. Husband also is terrified of this drive and does not want to drive it and so my mother has enlisted a local friend to do this drive for us. He is supposedly experienced in this manner of driving and there fore this drive will be "easy" for him quotes my Mother. Husband is still suspect and has been checking the the weather report hourly. It of course is supposed to snow the day we arrive. I have already decided that if we get trapped in a snow bank I will eat Husband first, since he is annoying me so badly. I might mention that this is a two hour drive in a car with a 1 year old, a cranky husband and a man I have met once before...yep.

So for the last 12 hours while packing and trying to organize not only our own stuff but Baby's stuff, Husband has gone the spectrum of laughing at the ridiculousness of the trip, to having meltdowns about the details of the trip. The last of which entailed how the logistics of the trip were not "well planned out by me" and that "none of it would ever work". our trip back from my parents to the train station will be in the afternoon while it is still light outside over the treacherous snowy pass. Thus ending with us in the tiny town where the train departs hours before the train will actually leave. I might also mention that the train is never, I repeat, never on time. its also late at night. My plan which I did indeed think out- thank you very much was to go to a local hotel, get dinner and then take a cab to the train station which is less then 4 miles away from the hotel. I have cab numbers, a cheap hotel address and directions to and from the hotel to the train station.

Husbands latest meltdown was over the fact that how on earth would we put baby in a cab?! well.. I said we are bringing the car seat with us for this very reason. We also need it to get too and from the train station in L.A since I have also arranged for our friends to drive us and pick us up. "we can't put a car seat in a cab?!!! with all the luggage!!!!"

Why would we be able to put a car seat in a car?- that would be ridiculous! what was I thinking? I wondered afterward how he thought we would get the car seat into my mothers friends car and how that was all going to work-somehow a cab is a very mysterious vehicle that repels car seats.

Since this was Husbands second meltdown of the day, I lost it and told him he was being a jerk. That's the nice version of what I actually said. Then I made a list of everything I have done this year for Christmas versus what Husband has contributed. After that I felt fully justified to move forward in hating Husband.

stay tuned for more Christmas joy...

giving

So we made it. We actually successfully made it through Thanksgiving this year! Combing forces with Husband proved triumphant! We are like a super hero and a an arch nemesis (I won't go into who is who, but we all know who the nemesis is...) cooking together is hard, but when it happens we can't be stopped!

Working in the kitchen with Husband is an interesting experience to say the least. He is very controlling and likes to dictate what I should be doing at all times. He also is adamant about cleaning up as he goes. There is no idle chit chat when at work! No standing around when there is a job to be done! Cooking is work and that is that! He also, like any good General gets very frustrated if something is amiss. The stove top stuffing directions were proving to be inadequate for his liking: "I don't understand it doesn't say what we are supposed to do here, I don't get it, do we have to cook the stuffing first?!!" Keep in mind this was our very first Thanksgiving dinner that we have made with a Turkey. I calmly tried to tell husband that yes, you make the stuffing first, then you put it into the bird and then you cook the bird. "well, it doesn't say that!" Who's to say I was even right to be honest. What do I know? Besides the fact that I watch a lot of cooking shows, I know nothing about cooking. However, I felt if I said such information with authority he might buy it. Turns out I was right, truth be told I was merely guessing.

When we sat down for our Thanksgiving feast finally, there was a little bit of general chaos-Baby was howling because he was hungry, the cats as usual were standing around the kitchen meowing and Husband was running back and forth tripping over Tupperware left on the floor by Baby and cursing. We sat down and finally there was calm and we began to eat... and by God it was awesome! Our combined forces worked great together. The Turkey was moist and delicious, every side dish was steaming hot and fantastic, even my hand made cranberry sauce that I had never made before was excellent! I couldn't believe it! The funny thing was we now wished we had invited guests. I told Husband that next time we would, now that we had the confidence in our abilities as bird cookers.

By God I think she's got it!

Happy thanksgiving....

Thanks

Today I started thinking about past Thanksgivings. Something I like to do during the Holidays is a little 'remember when' kind of a game...so I started thinking about my most memorable Thanksgivings over the years...

Thanksgiving with my parents as a child was usually the same every year, so they blur together, but what I liked most about them was that they were always fun and silly. It was only ever just the three of us. Both of my parents had left their home towns creating a new life for themselves in California, and for the most part never looked back. We were still in touch with both sides of the family, but it didn't really include the holidays, no more then a phone call was ever expected. My dads side of the family was all in England, so thanksgiving wasn't much of a holiday tradition for him, and so my parents created their own holidays with me. It usually involved something unusual and fun. Although we always had a big meal on the day of thanksgiving and sat down together to eat, it was never at noon and it was not often Turkey. Sometimes it was lobster or whatever spacial entree my parents were in the mood for that year. We had our own family traditions, but it never really involved praying at the dinner table or jello salads. A few things were for certain: there was always music playing and often me and my Dad would dance around, there was wine or beer for my Dad, fancy outfits for all three of us, and my mom did all the cooking. it was simple and we always had fun. I didn't really know there was any ting different until I got older and saw how other people experienced the Holiday.

As a young adult I took the opportunity one Thanksgiving to traveling to Oregon to visit my friend. His father had died earlier that year and I knew with how nontraditional his family was that I wanted to go there to be with him during the Holiday. weather he was used to celebrating it or not. So me and best friend went to Oregon, just to two of us to visit our childhood friend. I was about 19 at the time so being away from my family for a Holiday was kind of a big deal, although you would never know from how my parents reacted. They were always good about giving me my freedom. It felt like a grown up choice to go and visit my childhood Friend in this way, to be assertive about this decision. At the time we were all in college, and our fried was living in a house with his brother and another guy- it was very much a stereo typical college dude house: not very much furniture, a kitchen filled with beer cans, and unexplainable carpet stains. We spent the majority of our time throwing pennies into a can across the room and drinking beer. One day we left the house for a coupe hours to go on a hike in the forest, another day we went into town to the local coffee house for lunch, and that was about it. we slept in our friends tiny bedroom. I got the low single bed and best friend slept on the floor and childhood Friend sleep in the middle of the floor between us. we would go to bed late talking til dawn in the dark each night and making each other laugh. We would sleep most of the day, eat breakfast in the afternoon and begin our drinking games again. We would wrestle around the house, running and throwing things at each other like children and then lounge about watching TV. On Thanksgiving day we decided that we should celebrate somehow, so we went to childhood friends dads apartment which they still had, and was the same since his death. we bought Turkey lunch meat, dinner rolls, cranberry jelly in a can, and powered mash potatoes. we made our Thanksgiving dinner and ate at the the dining room table. Although we never discussed why we had come for this visit we did go around the table and say what we were most thankful for, it turns out we were each greatful for our health and our friends. That trip made me feel very grown up since I had made the decision to spend the Holiday with friends instead of my family. At the same time it was clear to me that we were in no way grown up at all, but merely trying to replicate what we thought grown ups were. It was a good Thanksgiving and I will always remember it with fondness.

Another memorable thanksgiving was the first I spent with Husband. we were barely together but spent the holidays together none the less. He went with me to my God parents house. We had so much fun talking and laughing with the guests. I turned the corner into the living room and found Husband sitting by the fire place hanging out with one of the uncles small children who had severe autism. Husband was surrounded by the child's family watching him in awe as Husband squeezed a woopy cushion over and over again making the child laugh with glee. "He never laughs" they said. I was in awe myself, seeing this side of Husband. I knew him as the boy upstairs living with two other dudes. All I ever knew the three of them to do was drink, watch sports, and work. To see Husband in this light was eye opening for me in many ways. Later that night we went back to his house where the dudes had made their own Thanksgiving and had invited friends over. We ate a second meal and drank bottles of two buck chuck. we both woke up at 3am with splitting headaches vowing to never drink two buck chuck again. It was a wonderful thanksgiving for me.

My last Thanksgiving was not on my list of favorites, although it was memorable. Baby had just been born 18 days before. Although both Husband and i were on leave from work and started to get a routine down, we were exhausted. we are perfectionists and thinking we had it all perfect and yet knowing we really had no idea what were were doing at all added tons of stress and pressure to our daily lives with a newborn. only getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep at a time didn't help matters much either. The day before Thanksgiving on the drive home from seeing a friend who was visiting from out of town, Baby started to scream. It was way past the time he was supposed to eat and we were stuck in the car in traffic. Neither Husband or I had eaten anything ourselves in hours. It was the night before thanksgiving and where friend was staying they were in the deep midst of preparing tomorrows feast and were not concerned at all with what we were going to eat at that particular moment. I was beyond exhausted. still trying to breast feed unsuccessfully and pumping every two hours had worn me thin, I was tired in a way I didn't know was even possible. Husband had had a few drinks with our out of town friend and left me to care for Baby while he threw back beers and chatted happily. By the time I couldn't take it any more I was exhausted, fed up, and starving- it was way to late to salvage any thread of calm. We argued the entire long drive home from Santa Monica to the east side of the valley. I still remember it as the longest ride of my life. The next day proved to be no better. We were supposed to go back to God parents house, but the arguing had begun again and the thought of even seeing a soul that day exhausted me to to no end. we decided at the 11th hour to stay home- with nothing prepared. we had no food in the house for a dinner. If I remember correctly Husband made left over frozen chicken and whatever canned vegetable he could find in the cabinets and we called it a night. it may have been the worst thanksgiving of my life.

This year, with a year of Baby under my belt and a new house, I decided that I wanted to cook. Husband who is the real cook in the family offered to help me. Fixing dinner together sounds fun to me and I am really looking forward to it. I never have the time to cook in my every day life with working so late every night, so this will be a real treat for me.We have no guests coming so there is no pressure to make anything particularly good. if it gets cooked and makes it to the table, I will consider that a success! Wish me luck.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The confronter

Last night I came home to Husband and Baby sitting on the floor in the living room watching as two what appeared to be pimple faced teenagers- were standing around doing what they considered trying to fix/connect/install our new HD Tivo. They had missed their earlier appointment and hadn't shown up at all, not even calling. Seeing that I hate confrontation Husband had called in demanding they send someone tonight. Suddenly I was a stranger in my own home. I was greeted by Workers before I was greeted by Husband or Baby, following suit I casually said "hey" in greeting, as if we were old pals. "Hey whats up? " was their response.

As the evening progressed, I fed Baby or rather watched as Baby rubbed mustard all over his face, Husband excitedly walked back and forth from the living room to the Kitchen to report in a stage whisper: "THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING!! (this part louder) ANOTHER TYPICAL CABLE EXPERIENCE!".

Here' s the thing about me: I cannot deal with talking behind peoples backs when they might possibly hear-it is one of my worst fears. Husband feels exactly the opposite and seems to think it is not only an acceptable way to express ones feelings about others, but the preferred way to get ones point across. He then scowled down the hallway at them driving his point home. After another 1/2 hour of what sounded like a lot of talking on a Cel phone by said "technicians" it was decide by Workers that nothing could be accomplished at this point, and that it was time to pack it up. At this time I was huddled in Baby's room eves dropping on the monitor because I knew that Husband would not take this news laying down. We listened while worker #1 told Husband that they would be back in the morning. Oh dear, I knew this would not bide well with Husband. "The morning!" Husband exclaimed "What will change in the morning about this situation then what you can fix right now?". I shrunk lower on the floor in Baby's room wincing from Husbands accusations while Baby happily chewed on his snow white book. What would worker #1 do? Then I lost the thread of the conversation cause baby decided to stand up and babel loudly about the changing table drawer that he was unable to open. Missing the end of the conversation completely to then hear Husband say calmly "OK man, thanks a lot- have a good night" "you too" said worker #1. what? huh? what the hell happened?

You see this is always the case with Husband. I find him to be offensive and overly aggressive His very forward tactics of dealing with issues seem so overbearing to me. Even in situations where we are getting the shaft by the cable company, yet again. The thing is, that I hate to admit is: he's usually...right. urg that hurt to even write, but its true...for the most part. I despise playing the role of the squeaky wheel or the bearer of bad news where Husband seems to revel in it, taking great pride to be the one who has reported the injustice. I cannot stand confrontation. Husband lives for it. Point him in the direction of the misguided and he will shed light on the situation, telling everyone what they can do with their wrongs. What I find the most interesting is that Husband although offensive to me doesn't seem to offend others in the same way. His casual "Have a nice night" is usually how it ends with said person walking off with good tidings.

I appreciate the squeaky wheels of the world because without them we wouldn't have any of the modern day luxuries that we have today. If it were up to me we would still be stoning our clothes against rocks in the river and hanging them in trees to dry. It' the people like Husband in the world who stood up one day and said "this sucks, it hurts my back, I don't want to do this anymore. Can't we do this an easier way?".

Office Crush

Since I work in an office, I thought I might touch on the concept of the Office Crush. I myself have had office romances in the distant past and thought it would be fun to list the different types of work crushes that I have seen play out in varying degrees of difficulty:

1. The simple crush-The sweet, sometimes sexy thoughts about a co worker often in the form of dreams or daydreams. example: "I dreamt last night we were roller skating together wearing short shorts to disco music, holding hands" to the daydream: "I wonder what that person looks like naked?".

2. The Flirt-You know the one, that person who always compliments you in a knowing yet friendly way that you fire back at something impossibly clever and then you both smirk, laugh and walk away smiling. Example: "don't you look sassy today in those boots!" "you know I do!"

3. The Fling-Its that night-the night where all your co workers and yourself get a little too tipsy celebrating at the bar gathering. It started as simple flirting with a friendly coworker and ended with you trying to get them to leave your apartment at 7am the next morning cause you have a "dentist appointment" you have to get to on a Sunday...

4. The Inappropriate Relationship-its more then a fling, cause the sex was somehow way better then you ever thought it would be, and you're also friends at work- so it makes sense right? Wrong. It also happens to be your supervisor and well, its a little dicey so you keep it secret, you know just in case someone might think its weird, not that it is weird... (yeah, except it is weird)

5. The Real Deal-it happened after a few group events one cold winter evening after a few glasses of wine, and from there it was magic. You never saw it coming, and there it is: your co worker is now your live in love and its looking like wedding bells and babies are in your future! Its like a sighting of a unicorn-its rare, but when it happens you cant wait to brag to all your friends about how you have accomplished the impossible.

...dedicated to all my work crushes over the years...

Sunday

I'm kinda tired tonight, so I'm just gonna give a running list of things I look forward to and love.

The movie Burlesque

you know its gonna be awesome in its cheesy goodness!

Dots cupcakes

picking up a few of these makes me

and Husband very happy. Baby someday

will be happy about it too when he cares more about food.

The Kitchen in Pasadena

we ate dinner here on Saturday night with Baby and it was so great. We've been before, but it was nice to go there with Baby and have him sit with us at the table. Husband looked at me and started laughing "There's a third one of us now isn't that weird?"

The Elves Fair

see last entry for that.

Our new HD Tivo

Husband is sitting in the living room right now loosing his mind over the fact that we can stream YouTube, Netflix and listen to podcasts on it. "Babe, you should blog about this!" eh, I don't care about it right this second cause I'm tired, but I know some

day pretty soon it will blow my mind too.

Christmas

Fall up until January is my favorite time of year. I love holiday parties and gatherings. I love travelling to see family. I love getting a new Christmas party dress. Its good times.

Fashion blogs

This one is killer. She is thirteen! I love her. She reminds me of myself at that age, although I was never in Vogue, but still she's Goth and precocious and just great. http://www.thestylerookie.com/

The Thanksgiving Holiday and four days I get off work

I'm gonna cook this year. Thankfully I don't have any guests, so if it sucks who cares, but I am looking forward to it none the less. I think it'll be fun.

That's it for now. There is a lot more, but like I said I'm tired, so it'll have to wait until another post.

Waldorf

So today lets discuss Waldorf. I have a long history with it since I went to a Waldorf school starting from Kindergarten to 12th grade. I have gone through several fazes with Waldorf starting at an early age of how I felt about it. When you are immersed in something, its hard to have perspective and so my feelings have changed over the years.

When I was really young in grade school I didn't even know there was really anything different then Waldorf. Public school was a foreign entity to me. I was very lucky that my parents could afford the school, and felt it very important to keep me there.

As I got older starting to hit puberty, kids from outside the school who decided to come to Waldorf with their public school ways, were hard for me to relate to. They were clearly different. It was as if we had been raised in a village and here were these outsides infiltrating our small town. I found them curious and immediately didn't like them, without giving them a chance.

Once I hit high school, I looked forward to meeting others and craved outsiders. I felt trapped and wanted to see more of the world. Kids who hadn't grown up in Waldorf brought with them mysteries and a different history then mine, they seemed interesting and exotic . As a teenager I thought Waldorf was very hippy and it started to rub me the wrong way, like a religious cult. It felt stifling and small minded. I felt that they didn't get me. Which looking back is funny, because at the time I changed my hair color regularly from all shades of the rainbow, and not once did a teacher or faculty member critique me for this. In fact they complimented me and praised my uniqueness and fashion sense, marveling at me.

After high school as a young adult, I also looked at Waldorf down my nose as silliness and rhetoric. It felt old fashioned and childish. I wanted a fresh start in a new world away from that small town. I wanted to see what else the world had to offer and anything completely un-Waldorf fascinated and enchanted me.

In my late 20's I looked at it with nostalgia. It became a joy for me, like a quaint dollhouse from my childhood. I felt it to be so sweet and endearing. It was fun and magical. I felt proud of my history and past with this type of school. It had made me different then other adults I had encountered, and this difference was a good thing.

At age 32 one of my long term Waldorf friendships ended in betrayal and I shut out all the rest of my childhood friends, not wanting to deal with my history anymore. I wondered if such a small school bred incestuous relationships that worked as a double edged sword against its inhabitants. I started to doubt my feelings about my friends and education wondering if maybe being that secluded had isolated me, and created boundary issues amongst me and my friends.

At age 34 I brought my 1 year old and husband to the Elves fair today at the Waldorf school near my house and fell in love. The place is filled with parents that look like me and my husband. For lack of a better word- stylish hippies. It feels like home to me with its gnomes and children dressed as fairies running around. Each moment brought me glee: From buying handcrafted wooden toys for my son, to sitting on a hay bail to eat a crape listening to a high school student singer/song writer play her acoustic guitar under a colorful tent.

So my Waldorf life has come full circle. I am sure there is some Steiner wisdom I unwittingly am proving to be true, but honestly it just feesl right. I realize that I crave community. I get friendship and camaraderie at my work place. I am lucky enough to work at a place where I am surrounded by like minded people. However, what I am lacking is other parents like Husband and myself who have children. My closet friends are far behind me in this way and although they love Baby, they don't live the life that Husband and I do. Waldorf feels like home to me. It feels like a welcoming place that once Baby is old enough we will be able to join and meet others like ourselves: working parents with a sense of art and community that want to give back and be responsible to our surroundings. I can't wait. Luckily Husband seems to like the scene too and enjoys all the weirdos walking around in capes that come with it.

Its makes me look forward to my future and what that will bring. I don't need to look back at my past to know where I came from- I can see it in the glimmer of my sons future and it makes me smile.

Duchess

so staying true to writing every day...we'll see how I do over the weekend.

So last nights movie that I stayed up too late watching, was The Duchess with Keira Knightley.

This experience was two fold for me:

1. Unlike my mother who hates "costume dramas" I love them. I get so into them that I want to live in them and be one of the women. This movie for me proved no different. It was an interesting film. I like Keira-I usually do. Bend it like Beckham was a good one and she was clearly somebody even though at the time she was nobody. I don't love how rail thin she is, but that is another topic altogether... Sticking to point: I obsess over costume dramas. I become completely fascinated by the clothes and start to imagine myself as a Queen, Princess, or in this case a Duchess. Lets be real here: clearly the Baroque era was for me. wearing some elaborate outfit with a white or, even better!- pink hair do taller then most buildings and adorned with feathers and jewels is seriously a dream come true!

Don't even get me started on the hoop skirt dresses and pointy shoes! This brings out my deep inner 15 year old Goth girl self to an extreme.

Not to mention the titles of these women with 4 or 5 names and the "her grace" in front of that. Oh My God! I would have some really fabulous name like: "Her Grace: Black Dahlia velvet feather of Van Nuys Chrystal Cathedral" and in I would traipse in all my wigged out glory. Oh Goodness, sigh... how the heart sores just dreaming of such things....

2. The second part of my love and fascination of movies such as these, would be more the inner bookworn-nerd side of me. The moment the movie is over and the credits are rolling I am immediately immersed in every website available about the historical facts of said heroine. I want facts and I want figures. I want names and dates. I want to know what is real and what is just dramatic writing. I want explained how old she was when she died, how many kids she had, who her relatives were, and who her children's children were. I want to know where I can find the letters that they wrote to each other, I want to know every detail possible! I spent the next hour of my evening researching these things. This story was particularly fun because of its odd relationship between the Duchess and the Duke and this third woman; Elizabeth Hervey Foster- who appears to have been the live in mistress of the Duke, and the Duchess best friend? It seems unclear weather this was a menage a trois or a hellish purgatory for the Duchess.I obsess over the details. I love weird relationships between people of power and authority. It absolutely fascinates me. Royalty is always interesting to learn about. Their bizarre behaviors and lavish lifestyles. I can sit for hours just thinking about this stuff.

...anyway that's where I'm at....I leave you with a visual list of Duchess portraits to ponder over..