Kindness

This weekend Husband and I worked on the Parisian Cafe. We planted, put up lattice and reorganized the back patio a bit. Husband got so excited that while the sun was setting and he was polishing off his second beer he exclaimed "maybe we should have a second child!"

Wait what?!!

Baby was sitting in his little excer-saucer chewing happily, while I squatted next to the vine I just planted. "I d-duunnoo, I, uh, wait what?" I stuttered. I was sweaty, covered in mud and squinting into the sun. The thought of just getting Baby ready for bed in the next hour and half was starting to overwhelm me. Of course, the next day when it wasn't magic hour, Baby was screaming, and Husband was tired he was saying a different story..... but alas the Parisian Cafe bring out the Joy D Vie in us all.

While working on the house that same day Husband went down into the basement or the dungeon as I like to call it (picture a place where serial killers hang out and then amplify the creepy factor by 5 and you have our smelly dank dark basement). When he came back up he told me that he could hear new neighbor right up above in her bedroom, as if she were standing next to him. She was watching Sex and the City he said, he could even tell what episode it was. This intrigued me, because while we were slaving away on house and garden with Baby and doing our normal weekend madness, Neighbor was doing exactly what I used to do when I was single without child: laying in bed all afternoon watching DVDs.

In my current sate of motherhood, I feel often as if I get no down time whats so ever. My down time is getting my nails done during my lunch break at work. I realized that my life is more fast paced and non stop then it has ever been. I am amazed at the amount of things I do in a day. There has never been a time in my life where I have accomplished more in a day then I do now.

So my realization this weekend was that I need to be kind to myself. It hit me like a wave. Being kind is different then overindulging, its different then treating oneself to luxury, or being gluttonous. It just means quite genuinely, that I need to forgive myself for everything I'm not.

Its very difficult to be non judgemental post baby. There are many doubts. Doubts about being a good mother, doubts about being good at anything anymore. Not to mention body image issues and what happens to ones self esteem after gaining 30 pounds.

So I decided that I need to practice self kindness.

we'll see how it goes...